Ballet Booty just kicked my ass October 15, 2007

Christina, since you’re reading my blog this post is just for you. I know the last week has been brutal for you, so I hope this makes you laugh a little…

If you know me you know I’m a little obsessed with working out, eating healthy, & keeping in shape. I lost 11 pounds over the summer and got back to my high school swimming weight of 119 - hell yes! But for the last two weeks I just haven’t felt like hitting the gym, running my hills, or even eating right for that matter.  Much to my dismay, I gained 2 lbs back - hell no!

So, I decided to hit the gym today and take a class. Christina and I joined an advanced Ballet Booty class back in the summer. I emphasize advanced because if you’ve never taken a class, let me tell you it’s no joke. To start, the class is an hour and a half. You warm up with advanced yoga, then move onto the ballet bar for strentgh training (using your full body weight mind you). Next you kick it into gear doing cardio, aka “fanny busters”, on the double step-up boxes. These are a bitch, to put it mildly. And if you’re not dead by this point you finish by doing a minimum 100 core crunches on the ball. You can cool down by jogging a mile if you like. No, I’m not kidding.

I’ve been an athlete all my life and am in pretty good shape. I work hard for my body, and love a good workout. But seriously, I thought I was gonna die today. For some reason Natalie, our drill sargeant, was in a pissy mood and decided to take it out on the class.

 

First, as soon as I walked in the door she greets me with a “well, where the hell have you been lately; long time no see!” And it was not in a cheerful “I’ve missed seeing you” kind of way either… let me make that abundantly clear. In responding to her, this is where I make my fatal mistake. Like a moron I tell her that I’ve gained 2 lbs and haven’t worked out in a couple of weeks. Her eyes immediately lit up like it was Christmas morning, I kid you not. Seriously, I think it was the first time I’d ever seen her crack a smile. She now knew she had an excellent excuse to kick my ass in class today. The last thing she said to everyone before we began was “I’m warning you now, you’re gonna crawl out of here when class is over people; its been that kind of day! Hit the door now if you can’t take it.” If I were smart, I would’ve instantly run out of there like my shorts were on fire. But no, I’m a dumbass.

She starts out by making us do the full dancer, the wheel, elbow stands, and then the freakin’ crane. No stretching, meditating, nothing to get warmed up. I won’t lie to you, at this point I was scared. The girl next to me waited for Natalie to walk to the other side of the room, and then jumped up and ran out! Amateur.

The ballet bar work was just as bad. She made us move faster than usual and hold the poses for a full freakin’ minute! If this sounds easy to you go grab a 10 lb bar, hold it straight above your head, lower yourself into a squat, then hold the position for a full minute. Now repeat 5 more times… Uh huh, that’s what I thought.

At this point I was in so much pain I was past the point of crying and couldn’t keep myself from gigling - you know in that nervous “I can’t believe this” kind of way. Big mistake. Huge!

Natalie sees my nervous laugh and yells: “You think this is easy Ally, then get your ass up here!” Oh F#ck.

She jacks up the music and tells us to grab our steps for the fanny busters…only I have to add one more. Again, oh f#ck! Now my step is 3 high, which is 18 total inches. She puts me in front of the class facing everyone, I kid you not, and starts barking out moves - back grapevine, double reverse jumps, chasse across the top, around the world, lunges, back leg kicks, and the mambo. A third of the way through I’m sure I lost feeling in my legs for a minute. When we’re finally done, Natalie looks at me and says “Not laughin’ now are ‘ya?!” All I could muster was a whimper and a tearful “no mamm” as I limp my way back to my old spot in the class.

I bend over to grab my workout ball and instantly start cramping in my calves. But, I’m screwed - I’m so sore & tired there’s no way in hell I can outrun Natalie and escape to my car. Plus, I’m pretty competitive and it’s beginning to royally piss me off that she’s kicking my ass. So I decide to stick it out. Again, big mistake. Huge!

Since I’ve been in Natalie’s class for several months I’ve learned to guage the intensity of our workouts by the music she chooses. So, when I saw Nelly Furtado’s LP Loose (hip-hop, dance) come up on the screen, I knew it was gonna be bad.

My legs are shaking as I lay back on the ball. Natalie then barks for us to clasp our hands like we were praying. Little did she know, we’d all been praying for her to drop dead for the better part of an hour! Then she cues up Man Eater. Damn.

 

Christina, you know what this means…. core crunches double time through the chorus. She counts them out and by the time we’re done, we crunched 162 times. I’m dead serious.

This should give you an idea of what a freak this girl is. She makes us yell out the last line to her as we crunch: “You wish you never ever met her at all!” Truer words were never spoken, Nat!

By some miracle, the class ended before I collapsed. Somehow I was able to drive my whipped ass home and climb the 13 freakin’ steps to my room - which was a real bitch, btw.  Ten to one says I’ll be in traction by the morning.

The good news is, I’m pretty sure I just lost the 2 lbs.