It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

 

Welcome to anti-orange week, part 1! That’s right folks, football season has officially started. I subscribe to the belief that UGA’s football season doesn’t really kick into high gear until we prep for the big rivalry games. Yes, SCUm is a good game and often pretty close (God only knows why), but its nowhere near a rivalry game; that 45-14-2 record speaks for itself doesn’t it? And, Bama is definitely a great game (even though this year we dropped a stanley steamer) but we don’t play them often enough to consider them a rival and there’s just not enough mutual hatred to qualify. But UcheaT on the other hand…. well, let’s just say i’m fond of the viles like i’m fond of having a boil on my ass.

  

Trick or Treat!!!

There’s no love loss and there’s certainly enough hatred to fuel the rivalry year after year. But the last two years watching them carve us up like a Thanksgiving turkey keeps the level of loathe at epic proportions in Bulldawg Nation. There are big games on the horizon that are must wins and definitely fall in the category of “I want to own your ass ever year” (see: gaytors, barners, gnats). But the Vile game is bigger to me, especially given recent history. This game has been bumped into the upper echelon of revulsion, imo. It qualifies as the one game on the 2008 docket that I want my Dawgs to absolutely humiliate & annihilate the opponent. So much so that mamas & little children will run screaming from Sanford by the 2nd quarter at the sheer sight of the ensuing carnage.  That’s just a taste of how badly I want to witness a brutal beating of the losers in the orange jumpsuits.

  

 

 

 

That's right Vols, you're still #1

My biggest qualm though is that it will be in Sanford Stadium. Don’t get me wrong, I love home games & am excited to tailgate, hangout with friends & family, and watch my favorite game at my favorite stadium in my favorite city on earth, Athens. The problem I have with playing UcheaT in Sanford is that along with the team & coaches I hate, those nasty hillbilly fans inevitably follow. An invasion of obnoxious, pompous, ignorant, urnge wearing, loud-mouthed rednecks is enough to jumpstart a vomit in even the most tame Dawg fan. It’s like a nightmare on Hee Haw! And you know damn well regardless of the uber-crappy season they’re currently having, those big mouths will be blabbering about the end result of the last two years, their SEC East division title (even though technically we tied), and their fumble-induced mnc a decade ago. Ugh – I can already see I’m gonna need a slow drip of gin & tonics to get through pregame and a self-induced coma to get through another loss to these morons. 

 

Their fans are a freakshow not duplicated elsewhere in the SEC, for sure. But its more than that. I’m an equal-opportunity hater when it comes to the hillbillies on rocky top. There are more reasons to loathe the viles than room on the internet to discuss it, but I’ll be happy to give it my best shot  Here’s my top 3 reasons why UcheaT sux ass:

 

1. Fat Phil is douchebag – He’s the kind of slimy individual that wears a silk shirt, but makes it look like polyester. He’s the used car salesman of college football. He is absolutely the most overrated coach in the SEC. He’s also right up there as being one of the most arrogant. I’ll give him this though, he’s smart enough not to let it all hang out like Spurrier, but the insulting jabs, the belittling comments and the smirks are enough to make me want to shove a hobnailed boot straight up his mammoth ass! His recruiting techniques are shady at best, his lack of team discipline is laughable (Fulmer Cup anyone?), and he’s possibly the most hypocritical coach in college football. The Bama scandal that rocked the SEC started at the hands of Fat Phil, yet knowing full well his own boosters were paying players (see Tee Martin). But the coup de grâce is his infamous 1997 Michigan vote. Need a reminder? Fat Phil was so incensed his precious Peyton Manning wasn’t getting enough love from the Heisman voters that in his end-of-season ballot he ranked an undefeated Michigan team, led by Heisman winner Charles Woodson, 4th (below his twice blown-out UT team mind you). No one else had them lower than 2nd & they were already considered the presumptive NC, yet he ranked a less than stellar Nebraska squad #1 in the Coaches poll! His lone protest vote split the AP National Championship between the deserved winner Michigan and the Cornhuskers. Thus forever earning him the title of SEC’s biggest douchebag. Suck it Phil.
2. Hillbilly UT fans - I touched on this a little above, but I was just getting started. Two of the worst gameday experiences I’ve ever had both involved UT when I was a student at Georgia. Their fans rival only LSU as the most vile people God ever dropped on this planet. The great majority are dumber than a bag of hammers and some of the most classless folks I’ve ever encountered. Seriously, you know you’ve got problems with credibility when Al Gore is lauded as face of your University. To prove my point, listen to this moron: 

             

 

 

 

Raise your hand if you’re shocked that dumbass is toothless. Anyone? But let’s not forget the latest
developments to come out of Knoxville this week. Whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, surely
you can agree that hacking into the private email account of a Vice Presidential Candidate is not only felonious, but colossally stupid as well. Stay classy Vol fans!

 

         

 

 

    3.   Rocky Top – Good God, do those rednecks not know any other song than Rocky Flop? Seriously,
            even CBS’s broadcaster Gary Danielson made a joke of it recently. Apparently the Vol band broke
            out in a new tune for once and Gary quipped to Uncle Verne “that’s the OTHER song they know.”
            They play it for everything – first downs, touchdowns, field goals, kickoffs, punts, when Arian
            Foster fumbles, when Fat Phil hides his face in his hat, when Crompton throws a pick, when that
            ugly dog mascot craps, etc. And when I hear that ridiculous Woo! in the middle I don’t know
            whether to laugh my ass off or choke the nearest hillbilly! What really kills me though, is that for all
            the bitching Vol fans do about being called toothless hillbillies, the lyrics of their national anthem
            simply confirm the stereotype:

“Wish that I was on ole rocky top,
Down in the tennessee hills.
Aint no smoggy smoke on rocky top,
Aint no telephone bills.
Once two strangers climbed on rocky top,
Lookin for a moonshine still.
Strangers aint come back from rocky top,
Guess they never will.”

How many other institutions of higher learning have a hillbilly anthem as their fight song & claim to fame??? “Ain’t no smoggy smoke on rocky top?” Hell, ain’t no dental care up them thar hills either!

 

Brace yourselves Dawg fans, the viles are descending from their outhouses & trailers in the Tennessee backwoods as we speak. Despite their  2-3 record at the moment, they’ll be bringing a full aresenal of smack talk, trying to convince the world that Saturday’s the day their rookie qb Nick Stephens is gonna show college football they deserve that crystal football trophy afterall. My only advice is to grab a bottle, hunker down, and pray for daylight to come Sunday morning with a big Georgia win as the Athens Banner Herald headline.

 

Here’s to hanging 50 on Fat Phil and sending the Great Pumpkin back to Tennessee all carved up!

 

 

Go Dawgs!!!

 

9 Comments

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI